Is it all Good?

My reasoning when I was 5 years old went like this:

The Bible is true.

The Bible says God will use everything that happens for good.

Everything is going to be okay.

Twenty-five years passed.

Everything did not feel okay. I could not envision a happy ending to my own story. I could not conceive of any way to feel hopeful about the future for myself or my children.

My life that morning was a large mirror, shiny in the sun.

I see it drop, as if in slow motion, to the concrete floor.

Where a moment earlier there was a mirror, now there was nothing but shards of glass, sharp splinters that cut any tender skin that touched them.

 

Sky_Mirror,_Nottingham

I climbed to the attic of my tall house and wondered if everyone will be better off if I jumped out the window. Romans 8:28 (“and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”) didn’t feel true. The verse I absolutely trusted as a child, felt like nothing more than something Christians say when they don’t know what to say.

That moment was a choice with ramifications for every moment after. I had to get down out of that attic. Either way out was a gamble. I could live, knowing I would hurt day after day, or I could take the quick way out, choosing a permanent solution for my temporary problem. I don’t remember choosing to hope that God is actually big enough to use nightmares for good. I only remember taking one step and then another toward the ladder that led down out of my attic, though I couldn’t have said why.

Years have passed again. No other morning has ever been as dark as that one. Today, if God gave me a choice between avoiding the pain that led me up to that attic and in the process erasing the changes that followed, or keeping my whole story as it has unfolded, I couldn’t go back to life as I thought it should be.

 

Broken_glass

My life, inner and outer, is still made of fragments of glass. It is not a shiny new whole. But my reserves of hope go much deeper. I have lived more life now. I can deliberately remember many days when God inserted surprising plot twists. Bad things turn out to be necessary. Things that are way out of my control turn out to be good.  I am feistier now. I am still in process.

Cynics think hope is too neat, but there is nothing neat about life.

Is it possible that God is the original Artist who wastes nothing?

That perfect mirror that was my life never went back to the way it was before. The splinters and shards of my old life have been carefully preserved and day after day they are glued into a mosaic. The Artist bends over me carefully placing each tiny piece into place. It is a tedious process. His fingers bleed sometimes. He rips whole sections out again. Nevertheless he keeps working.

He leans back and smiles at the way each broken piece reflects the light in a slightly different direction.

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Loneliness and Depression

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 “There is no pit so deep that God’s love is not deeper still.”

Corrie Ten Boom reflecting on her experience in a Nazi concentration camp.

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One Response to Is it all Good?

  1. Katie Sturm July 30, 2015 at 10:26 pm #

    Beautiful…

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